The Sunflower's Code

a fine line between to forget and to be forgotten

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When apocalypse fall; like is her eye-shades killing more off then this dying. 

as off to see the stunning verge of beauty falling like of pure rain, may not thee be the one to shade it off from sun, and protect from the little glimpse that falls from this stupid heart. 

Eventually, we all are your victims!

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Note: No false hope.

Traditionally, what are men made for?  To save, to protect? To fight? To deserve? Victory? Glory? 

But as to cope with, what I have lost is a desire to live from the bottom of my heart, that there might be hundred thousand reasons for living, for fighting; I have turned hopeless. I don’t know why? Maybe my dying body, that decay from inside. 

Perhaps, I don’t see any break through. 

Of I can go somewhere, where I know I am unknown to anyone, So, I can be of thoughtless but still mindful.

Skipping but seeking the peace of my mind. I know there is no running away; from me myself. 

But at least, I don’t want to be an embarrassment to you or anyone else.

AS of the passion you know of me, the qualities will disappear, most of it already have. Thou, I know, it wouldn’t have without my permission, but it did. 

The only answer I seek, ” Can death be more peaceful than of this?”

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Lost Chant

Maybe, death is more sweeter than of this ignorance.

If I go far, will I be remembered?

For if my absence,

No no, sun will rise tomorrow. So, be it! 

Like of the empty vessel or in the rain, trying to seek you. 

If not I, I still sign a song. 

A song of equal melody and sorrow. Like a chocolate deepen almond.

Chanting in your name, I await, only for your soul. 

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~”Muddita”~
~✿~╰ღ╮♥╭ღ╯~✿~

As often it could have happened until today, frostbite  in a deep hunted heart close enough to die (let the time stop); but by now a thrilling sensation more then half of fear, of an indefinite kind. I am not sure; I am not sure what it is?


So, I laughed as often as I could! Like a comedian, too comic to let go of things that I couldn’t have told her as a genuine me. Thou, not to pretend who I am not but to make sure I am not too late, let me be there at least before the interval of this time I live in. 

Precociously, taking all my time; putting all my effort to let her laugh but only so, I could see her gentleness through her smile.

"It was carefully written, love is more beautiful the second time!"

For me, It was just an obligatory to ask for a kiss when often her hand was in my heart, I felt the warmth. Strangely It was like I was safe. 

"You can kill a man this way!"
Talking to the air, (to her in a whisper)

Letting my fear go away from this heart,
Stoned and aged; heavy but melting; like a candlelit by the night-owl to torch your direction to me.

“Muddita! Please don’t go! Please! Let us be a lover, though love of its own kind!”
I can only pray to gods so it would rain heavily like ever!

So as for Her gentle sparse as vibrant charm; It would be a poison you know?
Her self-made earrings and hair so soft, eyes that can kill with a look; a perfect murderer! 
Any man would have gone wild to die first, and me, I was/am just too vulnerable, one of those victim; joyfully of course! 

~Deepain Raj Pradhan
ƸӜƷ•°*””*°•.ƸӜƷ•°*””*°•.ƸӜƷ

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As I paint my life with the cushion of my poetry, it was a glass of Merlot I ended every time with.  
Not too drunk, just a bit but yes, drunk enough to fall in love again and again with the handful of my glass smelling the red wine more than I drink.

As I paint my life with the cushion of my poetry, it was a glass of Merlot I ended every time with.  

Not too drunk, just a bit but yes, drunk enough to fall in love again and again with the handful of my glass smelling the red wine more than I drink.

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~The Country of the Lama’s~

 ‘Helambu’ a village above the clouds!!

 

Adventure is in man’s blood, you cannot expect to bring wild out of him and tell it to survive!” – William J. Black, 1987 from the book ‘Yolam- the wisdom of the lama’s! ‘

 

In the Lama Gaun (the home of the holy Lama’s)

 

                         Out of many journey of life I haven’t actually discovered home, until today; into the Lama Gaun, Helambu, where the holy Lama’s are born to spread their wisdom of hope and destiny.

Today after my visit to Helambu, if you ask me what Buddhism is? I would reply Buddhism is not a religion; it is a way of life; our everyday; how we learn to live with harmony with nature and ourselves; our very soul.

 

As usual, I packed my bag with some big money (as ATM is very rare in the village I don’t want myself to end up broke in middle of nowhere) and some clothes to ride to Helambu; my first hand information for mind mapping the place, it was somewhere around across Dhulikhel and it is a small village in the hills. Lol!!

 

Here I ride to nowhere at 11am from Kathmandu, date: 22nd April, 2013. It took me around an hour or so to Banepa and pass by Dhulikhel. Then I was lost, which was the way to Helambu??? Though, to end-up the suspense it was not the dead-end!!

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I asked some locals the way in Dhulikhel, they said something like this, ‘Go straight from this way 17-18km and you will reach a place called ‘Zero Kilometer’ turn left and from there drive to Timbu another 17-18 km and up the hill 20 km to Helambu’. When I first heard the direction I was lost but the only thing that made me happy was the distance, it was only like around 60-80km in an average to Helambu; which was very less compare to Pokhara-Kathmandu which is like 200km and 5 hours ride; don’t forget its ground breaking 5 hours ride where your back goes numb! Haha… So, I was happy!

 

After stopping like 3-4 times to confirm where is Zero Kilometer; so that I don’t cross by and forget to turn left; which I actually wasn’t sure which left?

So, you must have guessed it, it was a very slow ride to Zero Kilometer. Ahh! Then I got the turn, I discovered something new but only for me, then I stopped by for a tea.

Drove again after half an hour of rest.

I got the road right at least, but I was still driving to nowhere as I had no idea where was the next stop. So, I was hopping down now and then to ask the locals for the direction.

 

After an hour or so to nowhere but the same left turn and straight I stopped again for a tea, it was almost 2pm. Just my clever technique to ask the local’s the path when I am lost (or when I think I am lost.) and of course make some awesome new friends! Lol

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So, confirmed again! I was on track. One of the men there directed; it is about 17-18 km to ‘Timbu’ from here and 20km to ‘Helambu’; I was relieved; but another young chap told me I will reach there about 6pm. I interrupted, how come, it is just 37-38km, It must take me like an hour at most. He smiled and I thought he was a fool, but the man did remind me that the road was very rough and slippery.

Then I put up my smile and drove again with confident, but here I ended up with the most terrible journey of my life!!

 ‘Then I walked across the deadly rainforest, crossways to the graveyard; there was lots of ghost swamps I notice 3 on the way with winds that sounded like a witch calls; smoky from the dark and here in front of me, a dead end a dark cave.

 

Naaah! Nothing like that, but still worse! Hahah!

 I did reach Timbu after an hour it was almost 3:30pm by then and now was climbing up the hills; here was the worst situation of my life! It rained all the way and I was wet, though It was ok, I love the rain but never realized the rain would make the stiff; sloppy hill roads muddy and way slippery to drive up. I was determinant as always but this time I was so screwed; as my bike was literally jammed in the mud and I fall over on the roads like more than 10times; that I stopped counting after 7. 

 

I had had to pick myself up (reminder no lunch no energy) and my bike off from the mud pits when I fall over, (I felt like I was the captain of the rescue team, saving my bike from the muddy roads, as it was stuck over and over,) adding the Masala I was lost, 20 km to Helambu was like “Come on I am riding my bike like for more than 2hours and I am still nowhere, where is this place! About to faint with no food no energy *!

 

*Note: Kids reading this~ I was clever to bag pack my raincoat but no food; please carry some chocolates with you, when you try this or any long trips! Ok!! Thank you for your cooperation!

 

In-between lost many times on the road when I thought I was qualified enough to make my own decisions, but honestly telling was wrong turns, so I had to come back few times and make right turns.

It was almost night fall on the hills because of the mist. I reached Helambu at 6pm approx. “Silently within myself Yay!!! I made it!! Haha…finally!!!

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Then I got a room in nearby lodge, Mountain View Lodge, they said 200 Nrs. Per night! I changed, and suddenly all the mist was gone lol! Like it was day light again!

 Here, out in the lawn I met Carol and her friend dancing with joy with two kids from the lodge (2 girls working in the lodge, I saw them washing dishes both around 8 and another 11 maybe), I said why you girls are singing and dancing crazy? ‘The little girl said they sponsored us for school!’ :)

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I was surprised and said them why I was here to Helambu, as a women~ Chhiring  Didi call me up here for her assistance, though it was a delight to see a village and it is always a pleasure to help! :)

 I was starving to death, and ask Ma the owner to cook anything that is edible, she cooked me Noodles with lots of Spinach! Lol. I said I usual don’t eat green! As I love nature! Lol

 Tell you unexpectedly it was good! Perhaps I was way hungry to eat anything!

 

We had a tea, Carol, her friend and I. In-between I did call Chhiring Didi, she was surprised and came to meet me at the lodge.

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 We discussed about the project for a while and went off for the get-together, it was cold and my jacket was all wet so she gave me a thick shirt and a light blanket to get a hold, so I can go to their traditional celebration (ceremony followed with dinner), It was a strange salted Tea with ghee to start with! And a pan fried potatoes round shaped as a snack, I was too tired to hangout for a night so slept early, I was on my bed, had my medicines. The room was not that big and luxury but it had twin bed and I kept all my stuffs in one and I slept like a dead OX, doubled my blanket as I was not use to the cold, at that altitude

 !

 As usual was not willing to wake up when my 7am alarm knocked me up. But Chhiring Didi showed up and waked me early. I was up, washed my face and had my morning coffee with Roti and honey as Carol in breakfast table with me and her friend, and Chhiring Di said it will go better together and she loves it!!

 Soon we left, I and Chhiring Di got up and running towards the jungle, on the way, traditional ceremony of inaugurating a new Stupa was going on; villagers gathering… we stopped by to say hello and around and passed by, at 9am we reached the jungle. Let me reveal the fact, I am at Helambu to see Chhiring Didi new office and Aasram (Children Care Center for less fortunate). I loved the place and the oldest stupa at her place, though it needed renovation it was very old and entice!

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She wants to make her office, a home for the less fortunate! I was impressed by her talent and ambitions so it drove all the way from Pokhara to Helambu more than 350km central north from where I now live.

 The plan was up and running! I needed to support her as a backbone, I agreed and she was hopeful.

 Then with a walk we talked about the electricity and water supply for the Center and other important stuffs like food and interior of the house.

  Moving towards the Village School! It was a wonderful ambiance  and talking about the legend of the village and the high lama’s and the tiger stories of the villages was a great time to invest.

 After half an hour of short but exciting walk we reached the school and I loafed around, peeping all the class rooms and the office. I did met Mr. Nima at his office after a while and discussed about the project ‘Back to School’ so, that we can sponsor more child for schooling. :)

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It was a success. We had a great meeting and tea together. I promised to sponsor 5 poor children whose parents cannot effort schooling for them and 5 orphans from the Chhiring didi’s center, which will run soon perhaps end of this year or the beginning of next,

 With god grace it started raining again, I asked Chhiring didi to rush for lunch and then drop back to Kathmandu. (I had had to go back to work the next day that is Wednesday).

 We bag packed and rush for lunch but by the time we finished it rained like hell, I was afraid, to take Chhiring Di to Timbu as she had some work down there; because the road down the hill was more stiff and slippery, but we had to take our chances. It was the slowest ride ever! Haha, it took us 2 hours to travel 20km, down the rocky and muddy road to Timbu, we fall 3 times in total on the way as the mud were too slippery and my motorbike slipped and we fall, it was a nice game by the way… and training too!! Hahah!!  Though my hand was having a terrible pain as all the weight of my body, luggage was on my palm, as we were driving down the hell.

 However, we were survivors! Made till the end, stopped by Zero Kilometer again for some snack and tea and ended up in Kathmandu.

 

My journey was still not done, I had to sleep after dinner at my big mom place and wake up early and ride back to Pokhara!!

 

Here I am at my office! Writing my note at the end of my day!!

 Thank you for this little adventure! I needed this to life myself up.

 My special thanks to Gina (my best friend for life), Sarah (gave me confident to wake up this morning and drive myself to Helambu), Chhiring Di (had a hope on me), and everyone who can see dreams through my eyes!

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 ~25th April, 2013 Deepain Raj Pradhan

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"The Black Blazing Rider"

                            Dreams are good! But when you put some wheels into it, they are even better! 

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I am riding to Helanbu tomorrow! In`search for a new place! 

Riding solo is much more fun! That it is an adventure of its own kind! 

You need not decide where to stop, where to go and where to end up to!

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My Birthday is close!!!

In my 84th Birthday this May, hope she will remember me, My mother! She always made me cheery cakes in my birthday; special! 

The smell is still in me! make me smile quite often! 

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I have to go home!

 

                        The fountain of life pouring in me, I am getting stronger. But the spray of her in my heart as a scent of my own body/ as a part that I cannot merely choose to lose, over love or for love!

I know at times, what I am doing is madness, as my body still shivers in cold; isolated in times, trying to recover from last unnatural death, at least half; now that half I am left, I cannot be naive or selfish to not to pour it off for her!  

That might seldom hurt less, 

What make me perfect, is my new suit. I will wear it off soon!

But as I have to go home, for now 35 years I will look back many times, everyday, as I cross by the same road and same path looking for her everlasting smile; I am here, Lost!

Mending few broken pieces, that perhaps will never happen again!

Alas! Will there be a day when I will be a true warrior again, but what is the value of a King in an absence of his real queen,

 

Fortunately, I will wait rest of my life for the answer, that I know I will never get,

the truth is “This is Love!”   

 

not only the true surrender but painful awaiting, 

I will survive…!! Building homes for the homeless!! forgetting what I have to lose… so, if it is time. 

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Photo Source~ tumblr_mg0bjgH15d1r0bbnbo1_500

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~Healing Hands~

                                      In the riverside counting flower petals and leaves, with the falling night calling my name into, where rose candles; playful as always reminds me of beautiful earrings I wanted to buy for her, imagining her soul; vividly perfect! 

Perhaps, too late and early to be a young poet turning the few pages and trying to un-write; as the pain in my chest is gone.

Good! I can heal more of hearts now! 

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Photo Source~ Rose Petals in Water - a photo on Flickriver

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~Perfection in your name~

 

                       The Flowering Garden of Shangri~La calls a name! Strange! Contemporarily sporing scent of godly perfection, beautiful; perfections in your name,

Not missing, they don’t miss there own part, just a strange feeling of an absence, but tell you wonders happen inside the spirits, those connected with the hearts, they are never apart,” talking to the followers they said it to me. 

I replied,”Amen!!” ))

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Photo Source~ Forbidden-Desire, by Tiffany Toland-Scott

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~searching for an existence~

                               Allah perhaps never taught his preachers to ignore! It must be human adaptation,

Where as Buddhism teaches to forgive, and release all the sorrows of life,  to life lives, people mistake themselves by falling to themselves,

I should walk in the path of where I was lost and learn how to unlearn! 

discovering the truth…. Not competing the God’s but in-search of the reality ! 

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Photo Source~ dennis-walton-detail-of-buddhas-hand-and-flower-on-statue-

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~terrified by the lights~

in the walking dawn of the morning glow mourning for a happy face, disguised into a matter; perhaps biological but you know O! heart of hearts, your home is here, where I reside in for you, half of your heart already taken, 

Does that matter, how you feel? Or, feelings are reproduced by one and other, or emerged like a growing tree from a baby seed budding out from the form of spectrum, where light is transferred into dreams, 

Can I wake up? Or sleep restlessly for and then? 

Please!

Free my soul from this sin I have done/do everyday (feeling your memories), or I will live as a Trojan walls!

,”Calling for Gods in the form of Pandora, where even true wishes are only disastrous!

How irrational!! that one is just a biological, in need of another, even if there is no love between but want!

Nothing make sense now, even to this fallen warrior! terrified of dark matters, Do Pride make sense to you my loved friend!?! Let me know! If I have any existence left. “, -

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~In the Lake House~

“Breathing her soul”

In the lake house, across the city, imagining the silence of the water being waved by the wind; with no resistance, how lovely! Here I am, lost! where The queen forest calling my spirit, to go wild into the Greens!; Like a gray cat, hunting solitude wildly in vengeance; tasting true freedom.

then again I wish, if only I could be a bluefish to dwell around the lake, not bound by the wooden windows and glasses or any other human artifacts, freely! (in peace of my mind)

BUT reality, Here I am, tangled with emotions of no one; in her (immaturely in many but with no importance in my life), wishing to get lost in the internal breathing of nature, OR Can I be a tree standing still, facing the sun rise and set of everyday…

What make’s me amazed is the light of life that radiates in the form of true aroma as I breathe in, here/her, I can touch and feel/fill her soft skin/ her emptiness/ hollow and smell her first bud; wild in love; like she and I in fire, but gentle and tenderly burning with sweet surrenders, Kiss me for the sake of my crying desires, hopelessly cutting the edge of my heart, that might explode someday like last summer,

Listen I don’t want to die again and again, ones is enough…!1 OR let me be this fool, foolishly in love with a forbidden soul; you, but pleasantly in love.

Dear, Can I sleep to tomorrow and forget what is happening to me,

To You my darling lover, (a different person)*

‘we are in different time; born in different lands, era though with same feelings; But your love is forbidden, to hold as to keep on to hold, now please set it free, listen to this kind man wording, ” don’t hurt yourself, this time I will die if I get heart broken, so for you, so be safe. As far we are, we are good!

thou,

I am sad because I am addicted to it (sadness) from the beginning of my time, for some people like myself, will find joy in this sadness but you my dear, you are for someone more special,

I am still in love with her soul, Forbidden! but thou a soul is only made for a single soul, ought!

That is the truth!

my dear, let the rose only bloom ones (like me mortal; will decay with time, but it a mortal soul that is why is remembered), and the first ray of the sun be in love as gentle as it is forever ~

I may be forgotten, but I am not afraid now, Let me stand, as I am hoping for a sign and I will fight back again!

I know I deserve her soul more then anyone… so, forgive me for my disguise;

Still a man with great humor, That is what I am!

Let me be one, even in the end still smiling..

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Photo Source~ Painting_-_Forbidden_Love_30x40_Acrylic